Lost in Transit

A day in my shoes, hell why even bother? It's definitely not worth the headache my identity is now only mom. No Blondie... I am a mother to two kids: an infant and a pubescent preteen both of which I feel are happier without me present. I feel lost inside, alone, afraid, broken, and used. This is not to say I don't love my children with every fiber in my being, or not know that they are the sole reasons I was put on this Earth. And I never have regretted them or ever felt that my place in life would be better served anywhere else. But I am so unhappy... I need a break, hell five minutes... I need a friend, I need an identity for myself, and I need financial help from the people that have the responsibility to do so all of which are not coming... I have so little money from a disability check $0 child support or help at all for that matter, that a lawyer, is light years away from being possible. I am grateful to have the gift of cutting corners, bargain shopping, and self-sacrificing that my children are not going without what they need but I am a giant failure and being able to give them all they deserve. An example of this would be the choices in Father's I gave those Precious Angels. One an abusive psychotic pedophile that literally paralyzes Me In Fear. Him being simply brought up in conversation triggers cold sweats, flashbacks, and causes my heart to race so hard it makes my throat actually feel sore. However I came to terms a long time back then I was young, and naive and then I chose to not be his victim anymore. But when everyone in my life turned their back on me when I became pregnant with my son years later and that tale began unfolding, or rather unraveling, every ounce of "Mommy Forgiveness" I gave myself dissolved. I am now absolutely positive I should not be allowed to reproduce. I am so stupid and blind when I feel love for a man. Here's a little proof daddy number 2, came home one day and decided to take his things, call off our engagement, and never acknowledge our planned pregnancy again with me. No fight, no nothing, only he couldn't be with me anymore and the baby ceased to exist to him. I could be a part of his life sexually anyway when he had time for me but the baby was non-existent. That is except for when he told everyone he knew or that asked why he wasn't with me that he left because I was on meth so bad that I doped the baby to death. Everyone from then I ran into that he knew I had to explain that I was pregnant with his baby and I don't know why he said those things. He became a person that I never even knew and I had been friends with him for over 20 years. 8 months later a very small but healthy baby was born from a high risk pregnancy but because I had just suffered a late-term miscarriage and I have my hip, spine and pelvis screwed in place (due to a very bad car accident I was involved in previously) it didn't help in my body's cooperation in holding him to term. I was on bed rest all summer last year until the pain from not moving my back and hips became so bad they lifted some restrictions which sent me straight into labor. Though Pain meds were constantly threw in my face the whole pregnancy and probably I proudly can say I only took 20 5milligram hydros my entire pregnancy and 2 muscle relaxers. Most of which was given during a hospital stay from preterm labor. This all when it was against doctor's orders to not have take pills every 4 to 6 hours. Yet, he says I killed our child doping!! Since the baby has been born I ran into him once. (Well once where he ciuldnt literally run luke a lil bitch) Of course he was busy chatting up the female cashier and once he realized I was behind him in line he told her to keep the change it would only scratch his phone. And yes, he did say that and never offered me a penny or acknoleged any texts that i sent asking for him to step up, ofering sonagrams or appoinrment times. And this is only the tip of the iceburg with my story with him. And because I gave these fathers to my babies Momma is not a name I am worthy to ever be called. I realize know this turned into more of a rant this and I apologize. There is just so much to say and no one to listen.... I walk my path alone dragging two children down it and loving them all wrong but trying so hard to do it right there's always tomorrow try again to be whatever it is I need to be but we all know tomorrow is just another day I'm f****** it all up even though I want to thrive and not feel like my soul has been sucked out of my being... Until Then ~Blondie